Death and its Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Beautiful Lessons: Field notes from The Death Dialogues Project #NewRelease #Self-Help @MotinaBooks

I am pleased to have a new author visit my blog today with a non-fiction self-help book on death and dying. While it’s not a subject we like to talk about, it’s an unavoidable reality and her book offers some insight. Welcome, Becky!

PURCHASE LINK

Thank you, Jan, for inviting me here to talk about my new book. I appreciate your generosity.

I spent my pandemic writing about all things death.

Although I had interfaced with death throughout my personal and professional life, everything changed when my dear soul-connect brother died of brain cancer in January of 2017. At that time my 94-year-old mother lived with us and was on her end-of-life trajectory, experiencing a truly magical, mindful death nine months later in our home in New Zealand.

Always one to tell me the stories of how things were done in the “olden days,” my mother had repeated throughout my life that she felt an unease with how death had become such a business in the US. When my father died in 1983, she had been aghast at the price tag involved. Just bury me in a cardboard box became my mother’s mantra when conversations surrounding death arose.

Throughout his life, my brother had an affinity for simple practicalities: growing his own food, following his heart rather than trends, a pull to the simple ways of our ancestors. The youngest of my three older brothers, he was seven years older than me. Growing up in a violent household, he’d been my anchor and when I finally fled, into my own young adult life, he was my savior. We knew each other in a way only foxhole companions with a loving, protective bond could.

The true turning point of my relationship with death was how we handled my brother’s death differently, which was an immensely healing process but didn’t negate the gut-wrenching heartache that comes with the death of someone you love so deeply.

Receiving the final phone call from his wife, signaling a stark turn, I mentioned that if he died before I got there to remember, death isn’t an emergency and there can be some tender time with his body before calling any services. I arrived a week before he died. After his death, we kept him home with us for three days for some love-filled family connection time of honoring the beautiful person he was to us all.

Upon my return to New Zealand, my mother put in the request for the same care. Per her wishes, she never darkened the door of a funeral home.

Something awakened within me and I felt my social activist deceased brother whispering in my ear: Beck, you need to let “Death” out of the closet.

There were times I’ve felt my heart has been ripped out of my body after their deaths, but the legacy of the love for my family lives on in The Death Dialogues Project and Podcast’s work.

Writing Death and its Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Beautiful Lessons felt as if I opened myself to the task and the words and chapters arrived, almost effortlessly. Maybe it was my years of working with people surrounding death in my professional life. Or just maybe it was a continued whisper in my ear from the beyond. My hope is that it lands gently with you.

It’s Time to Invite Death Out of the Closet!

Courtesy Motina Books

The impending or actual death of someone close to you can be devastating. It doesn’t matter if you knew it was coming, or if it was a total shock-you’ll never be the same. There is no right way to grieve, and no appropriate time frame. It’s different for everyone.

Many do not realize we now have choices surrounding our deaths and how our bodies are treated. Similar to birth being brought back into the home, there has been a wave of people doing the same with death, creating moving and personal experiences at the dying time and in the aftermath. Like home birth, it may not be for everyone, but aren’t we better humans for understanding the terrain?

With this project’s aim of promoting death literacy, you will find stories and commentary surrounding death and end-of-life choices (such as having a loved one’s body at home).

It’s time to take these historically “hush-hush” conversations out into the open. We all experience death and loss in our lives, and we should be talking about it.

Embrace the beautiful-horrible full spectrum of your life. Here you will also find resources and a community where you can further explore or seek support as you continue your journey.

This book will gently hold you as you increase your awareness and comfort surrounding death and is a perfect offering to others at those times when there are no words.

6. Available wherever books are sold: Amazon

An indie choice I like to support: https://bookshop.org/books/death-and-its-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-beautiful-lessons-field-notes-from-the-death-dialogues-project/9781945060359

7. Media links:

facebook.com/deathdialogues

https://linktr.ee/deathdialoguesproject

About the Author:

After .a career in human services, beginning with nursing and ending after decades as a holistic mental health clinician and educator, Becky retired from her life’s professional work as an LCPC in 2016. Some of the most rewarding work was providing Dignity Therapy for people at the end of their lives.

Following the rapid-fire deaths of her lifelong soul connects, facilitating in-home death care and vigil, came a whisper to facilitate inviting Death out of the closet.

A passionate advocate for choice surrounding end of life and normalizing conversations surrounding death, Becky feels strongly that listening to the stories and experiences of others is our greatest teacher.

Based on interviews and witnessed experiences, The Death Dialogues Project has used stage productions, presentations, a podcast, and interfacing with communities through social media.

People from all walks of life––death-workers, grievers, seekers–– are giving lovely feedback about how this book is deeply touching them.

From the very first sentence of this luminous book, filled with hard and tender truths, Becky Aud-Jennison takes the reader by the hand: ‘See, death isn’t so awful. You don’t have to be afraid. Let’s explore the its hills and valleys together.’ This book of ‘conversations you might not find elsewhere’ is a precious gem. Thank you, Becky Aud-Jennison for generously sharing the work of your heart and soul. I now have the perfect gift to give anyone who is grieving, facing death, or walking the razor’s edge between this world and the next. This compassion-filled book is a gift and a treasure.

—Laura Davis, bestselling author of “The Burning Light of Two Stars” and “The Courage to Heal”

In her transformative book Death and Its Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Beautiful Lessons, Becky Aud-Jennison takes our hand and walks us into the beautiful, horrible realm of dying and grief. Through the wisdom she has garnered from her own losses and from the stories of the Death Dialogues Project, Becky shows us that the awe-full journey of grief is unique to each person but is ultimately traveled by everyone. Read this marvelous book to discover that Death is the ultimate maker of change and meaning in life and to embrace both the beauty and the pain of this human existence.

––Karen Wyatt MD, author of “7 Lessons for Living from the Dying”

Having my lost father when I was eight years old and then never dealing with that grief, Becky’s book feels like the book I wish I’d had as a child. I can’t go back in time so I’ll read it again and again and give it to anyone I know who may need it. Which is to say: all humans.

—Jennifer Pastiloff, bestselling author of “ON BEING HUMAN”

As long as there is one person on earth who remembers you…

As long as there is one person left alive on earth who remembers you, you are never completely gone. 

James Richard (Rick) Sikes

8-5-35 to 5-1-09

Excerpt from ‘TIL DEATH DO US PART:

“Aren’t they the people who help you die?” Luke asked.

The doctor’s voice was quiet. “Yes.”

“We’ll talk about it all.”

“Fine. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

Once he left, Darlina leaned over the bed and laid her head on Luke’s chest. “Oh Luke. What are we going to do?”

He stroked her hair. “Sugar, you know I’d do anything to stay here with you, but I can’t stand to be more of an invalid than I already am. I don’t want to live without any legs.”

She raised her head and looked into his watery blue eyes. “You know I’ll always do my best to take care of you.”

“I know, but look at what I’ve already put you through.”

“You’ve put yourself through far worse. What I’ve done, I’d do all over again a million times. There is nothing stronger than our love…Nothing.”

“There are so many things I’ve left half-done. If only I could have a few more years.” The words ended with a sigh. “Would you climb up here beside me?”

“Of course.” She slipped her shoes off and gingerly raised herself up on the bed and snuggled next to him. She cradled his head against her breast.

Sobs shook Luke’s shoulders. “I’ll never be totally gone. You know that don’t you? I’ll always be with you.”

Darlina sobbed with him. “I know.”

Words became inadequate.

***

R.I.P Rick Sikes

'Til Death Do Us Part by Jan Sikes

Twelve Years Ago Today

One of my favorite pictures taken at the Horseshoe Casino in April, 2006. It was the first time Rick had seen Willie Nelson in over thirty years, and what a reunion that was!

I woke up this morning with my heart in a vice. How, after twelve years, can the pain still be so severe? Exactly twelve years ago today, I brought Rick home from the hospital after signing the hospice papers to end his life. They put him into a drug-induced coma – or so we thought.

With our living room converted into a makeshift hospital room, the only difference from the many prior weeks was that after all the healthcare folks and friends left, I was alone totally responsible for his care. No problem. I’d been doing that for a long time.

But that night was different. He was restless. I understood he’d left a plethora of things undone and I also understood that he knew he was home. He kept trying to get off the bed to go tend to whatever was nagging at him. Thank goodness he was so weak, he couldn’t really accomplish getting up, but I spent that entire night trying to soothe him.

I’m sure the hospice people gave me instructions, but all I remember was I was to put a certain number of morphine pills under his tongue every four hours. And despite doing that, still he wasn’t completely under.

West Texas sunrise

Finally, as the sun started to rise, weary, I called the hospice number and asked for some help. Little did I know I could have called them hours earlier.

They came an hour or so later and gave him stronger drugs that put him completely under. But even all these years later, I can recall every agonizing minute spent that night. Never had I felt so helpless. Besides dealing with the reality that he was leaving, I had to manage the guilt of letting him suffer so long before asking for help.

Well, truth be told, I still deal with a lot of guilt. If only I had known then what I know now about oils and gemstones, I could have made his crossing easier.

Beneficial oils and gemstones Jan Sikes 4-25-21

But one thing I know for sure – you can never go back in life. You have this moment. And for me, it is imperative that I do the best I can with my current knowledge to live the best life possible in the now.

If you are still lucky enough to have your loved one with you, lean over and hug them, kiss them and tell them how much you love them. Don’t put it off.

I will be reliving those days that followed as this week unfolds, but most of it became a blur. Friends and family gathered. Someone forced food down me. I slept only snippets at a time. I’m not going to relive every part of the memory with you, but I will share a couple of significant events that all ended around 4 am on May 1st.

Never forgotten. Ever missed.

This is a story of inspiration, endurance and most of all undying love. When Luke and Darlina face life-altering situations that would destroy a lesser man and woman, they draw on each other’s strength and determination to face them.

No Shame in Surrender

Surrender

This time of year brings around so many vivid memories, this being one.

On March 9, 2009, a long agonizing night began for me and Rick Sikes. He had been in and out of the hospital since January 2009 and we were back again for more IV antibiotics to try and fight the infection slowly eating away the flesh on his right leg. With daily hyperbaric treatments on top of the strongest blend of antibiotics available and morphine for pain, recovery remained elusive.

And then the unthinkable happened. I knew something wasn’t right as Rick struggled to breathe and his fever rose. But, the nurses assured me that he was not in distress.

When the Pulmonary Therapist made his daily rounds the next morning, he immediately recognized the signs and went into action. Rick had developed pneumonia. Within less than an hour, a ventilator was in place, all pain meds stopped and the vigil continued.

When the wound care team came to change the dressing on his leg, my heart broke at the tormented cries that escaped from his throat. It took every ounce of strength I had to stay calm and try to comfort him.

I thought we’d reached the end. And, during the wee hours of the morning, after another sleepless night, I wrote this poem, never imagining I would have a chance to read it to him.

Surrender

There is no shame in surrender when it is time

Like General Lee, you’ve known when to lay low and when to climb

I’ve watched you suffer for so many years

Your life seemed destined to one of pain and of tears

Yet you fought on – the valiant soldier in fierce battle

You boldly sang your song – rode tall in the saddle

You’ve now come down to the last battle call

You’ll hang up your sword, tired and weary you will fall

But know that you’ve left many good marks behind

While you learned how to love and how to be kind

Taught lessons to all who shared your many paths

That will long be remembered after you’ve passed

There is no shame in surrender when it is time…

I did get to read it to him several days later, as he survived pneumonia. We both cried. Then on May 1st, he hung up his sword and left this earth.

April is National Poetry Month. In celebration, I have discounted the eBook version of Discovery – Poetry and Art by Rick and Jan Sikes.

I’d be honored if you’d pick up a copy, read and review it!!

Order here.

FrontCover_Discovery

For more on my books and music, visit: WEBSITE

It’s Finally Here!

I am thrilled beyond words to announce the Pre-Order Sale for the fourth and final book of this series of true stories, ‘TIL DEATH DO US PART!!

AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER EXCLUSIVELY THROUGH TXAuthors.com

ONLINE_3D_Cover_TilDeathDoUsPart

Luke Stone has cheated death more times than he cares to remember. And now, with a chance for a second music career, he knows he won’t fill the Texas dance halls and honky-tonks as he’d done in his younger days, but is determined to give it his all. Darlina, his rock and anchor, longs to see his dreams fulfilled and vows to do everything possible to help him find success. But, will time allow Luke to sing his last song?

GET YOUR AUTOGRAPHED COPY TODAY!

THE FIRST 20 ORDERS WILL RECEIVE A FREE CD – ETCHINGS IN STONE BY RICK SIKES

Estimated delivery date 4-20-16

Til Death Part2_TxAuthors